Hello All,
Chris and I have slowly entered back into the land of the living. I have had a longing to post on my blog for a while now, but when I read my last post it was so sad for me and has kept me at bay for a while. I first have to say Thank You, Thank You, Thank You to all of our supporters. We have had such an outpouring of support and we are so truly grateful for the people in our lives that have prayed, listened, sent food, gifts, and spent many hours consoling us. None of your thoughts and/or actions were over looked once. I feel so blessed when I look at our support group and our surroundings.
If you read the previous post you know that we named our baby, that we miscarried, Hope. It seemed very appropriate and has brought me so much comfort. I still think of Hope often, well daily. I still cry weekly and I talk to God about her and write in my journal to her. Chris has tried his hardest to be strong but he deeply grieves as well and recently admitted that this has affected him more than he ever dreamed something would. We both consider ourselves parents of an angel and even if she just lived in my tummy for a little while, she was precious to me and I will see her again in Heaven. I would have been 17 weeks yesterday.
I am reminded of a song, "Glory Baby" by Watermark that heaven will hold her before we do and she will hear lullabies by angels and never know the troubles of this world, wow, I am grateful for that! Who better to rock my baby to sleep then her heavenly father and the loved ones that have gone before us. Many people may not believe this idea, but we do and not just as a fairy tale but as truth, so I thank you for respecting our thoughts and beliefs.
Well, as hard as it is, we plan to get back onto the fertility track. We needed a break and I'm not sure if we are ready but if we wait to heal completely, that will never happen. Many of you may wonder about our faith. It would be fair to say we have both struggled with God's decision to bring Hope home, but surprisingly he guided us through the whole process and we can not be angry or wonder why anymore. Anger was never even the primary emotion, just hurt, discouragement and wonder. His word says:
"In this world you will have troubles, but take heart, I have overcome the world" John 16:33
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" 2 Chronicles 12:9
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" Matthew 5:4
I recently read an amazing book, "Hannah's Hope" in the book, Jennifer Saake wrote It is easy to trust when God's ways mesh perfectly with my plans. But it is only when reality collides with my preconceptions that my faith is tried and proved. This is true for Chris and I, we can not waver on our faith simply because things didn't turn out how we wanted. I know God's plan is bigger and better and I can't wait to see what he has in store for us, we trust it will be amazing.
Again, thanks for hanging in there with us and please continue your prayers and support. With much love in our heart, Amy and Chris :)
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Goodbye Baby Hope
Many of you may not be aware that on May 3, 2012 Chris and I realized we were finally pregnant! Our second super-stem IUI had worked! I was supposed to take a test May 1, 2012 but it said "not pregnant" so before calling the doctor to ask if he wanted me to start progesterone to get me to start (since I still had not started my period and had no signs) I knew he would ask me to take another test. So that Thursday afternoon after laying down for a bit because I was was so tired and while Chris was out weed-eating the yard I took a test and it immediately came up "pregnant", a word I had only dreamed of seeing. I stared at it and then found my shoes and went running to the front yard, with my pregnancy test to show Chris, I was able to say the words I had longed to say, "your going to be a daddy". He was so happy and excited, we hugged and cried in the front yard (no telling what the neighbors thought).
The next Friday Chris graduated with his doctorate in interdisciplinary studies with a focus in criminal justice. I could not have been prouder of my husband and all God's timing seemed to be perfect. We then began to tell our friends and family. Excitement does not capture the word everybody felt. For a little over a week I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I remember thinking all felt right and good and at peace and the only one I had to thank was God and I was very grateful.
On Mother's day I started cramping and slightly bleeding, the doctors felt it was just my uterus growing as I was not bleeding a lot. However the cramping was very severe. Through the whole next week I cramped (sometimes so severe I could only lay in a fetal position) and I bled some (never enough though to make them fear I was having a miscarriage). I had just come to the conclusion that unfortunately I was going to be one of those people that just cramped and bled some through my first trimester. I had been able to put the idea of a miscarriage out of my mind though. Besides I had no other problems, no morning sickness or any other unfortunate symptoms.
Friday, May 18, 2012 was our first OB appointment in Cincinnati where we would have an ultrasound and hear a heart beat (maybe even more than one). I started cramping kind of heavily again on our way to Cincinnati, but the excitement of hearing our baby's heart beat erased the concern from the cramps. After going into the room and getting ready for the ultrasound the doctor came in an began looking around, what was probably only minutes felt like an hour of him looking and saying "just a minute". Finally he told me to sit up, I had not heard the heart beat yet and he had not pointed anything out to me so I immediately began to cry. We had miscarried. 2 years of trying to conceive, many shots, pills, drives to Cincinnati, blood, ultrasounds, etc... and we miscarried.
All I remember from there was crying with Chris, who held me and just cried with me. The doctor gave some medical talk about how it wasn't my fault and at least we were able to get pregnant but all I could think was that my baby was gone. The pain continued from the extreme cramps on our 2 hour journey home from Cincinnati. I have never been in such physical and emotional plain at the same time. The cramps only got worse until I finally "passed" our baby later that night.
At this time I know all the answers people say, it wasn't time, something must have been wrong with the baby, God needed her, etc... I felt strongly that it was a girl and I do not know why, but Chris and I agreed on that. We named her Hope. She was a real person, a real baby and we grieve her desperately as we try to go through the day to day tasks that still require our attention.
I feel numb and disappointed and in disbelief and whatever the word is for a sadness that consumes your whole body and makes you ache inside. Right now, the only verse I can hear is " Be still and know that I am God". Being still is all I am capable of right now.
Chris and I will try again as soon as we are able. We just wanted to update people and let them know we continue to appreciate your prayers, your thoughts, your kind words and time. At this time we just need our time to grieve the loss of our precious baby. I would have been 7 weeks today. Please continue to pray for us.
We love you Hope, you will always be our first child and you will never be forgotten.
Take time to listen to this song if you can: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e01hk1BRYqM
The next Friday Chris graduated with his doctorate in interdisciplinary studies with a focus in criminal justice. I could not have been prouder of my husband and all God's timing seemed to be perfect. We then began to tell our friends and family. Excitement does not capture the word everybody felt. For a little over a week I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I remember thinking all felt right and good and at peace and the only one I had to thank was God and I was very grateful.
On Mother's day I started cramping and slightly bleeding, the doctors felt it was just my uterus growing as I was not bleeding a lot. However the cramping was very severe. Through the whole next week I cramped (sometimes so severe I could only lay in a fetal position) and I bled some (never enough though to make them fear I was having a miscarriage). I had just come to the conclusion that unfortunately I was going to be one of those people that just cramped and bled some through my first trimester. I had been able to put the idea of a miscarriage out of my mind though. Besides I had no other problems, no morning sickness or any other unfortunate symptoms.
Friday, May 18, 2012 was our first OB appointment in Cincinnati where we would have an ultrasound and hear a heart beat (maybe even more than one). I started cramping kind of heavily again on our way to Cincinnati, but the excitement of hearing our baby's heart beat erased the concern from the cramps. After going into the room and getting ready for the ultrasound the doctor came in an began looking around, what was probably only minutes felt like an hour of him looking and saying "just a minute". Finally he told me to sit up, I had not heard the heart beat yet and he had not pointed anything out to me so I immediately began to cry. We had miscarried. 2 years of trying to conceive, many shots, pills, drives to Cincinnati, blood, ultrasounds, etc... and we miscarried.
All I remember from there was crying with Chris, who held me and just cried with me. The doctor gave some medical talk about how it wasn't my fault and at least we were able to get pregnant but all I could think was that my baby was gone. The pain continued from the extreme cramps on our 2 hour journey home from Cincinnati. I have never been in such physical and emotional plain at the same time. The cramps only got worse until I finally "passed" our baby later that night.
At this time I know all the answers people say, it wasn't time, something must have been wrong with the baby, God needed her, etc... I felt strongly that it was a girl and I do not know why, but Chris and I agreed on that. We named her Hope. She was a real person, a real baby and we grieve her desperately as we try to go through the day to day tasks that still require our attention.
I feel numb and disappointed and in disbelief and whatever the word is for a sadness that consumes your whole body and makes you ache inside. Right now, the only verse I can hear is " Be still and know that I am God". Being still is all I am capable of right now.
Chris and I will try again as soon as we are able. We just wanted to update people and let them know we continue to appreciate your prayers, your thoughts, your kind words and time. At this time we just need our time to grieve the loss of our precious baby. I would have been 7 weeks today. Please continue to pray for us.
We love you Hope, you will always be our first child and you will never be forgotten.
Take time to listen to this song if you can: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e01hk1BRYqM
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Taking A Break...
Thought I'd just update you all. Chris and I are taking a break from some things right now, including some issues with infertility . We appreciate all your prayers and ask that you please continue praying for us. We will gladly accept calls with questions or support. We are still very hopeful in our dreams coming true and God blessing us with a baby. Thank all of you for your encouragement, prayers and unbelievable support. Talk with you all soon. Blessings!
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
Friday, March 23, 2012
Can I Borrow Your Faith For A While?
Well, Monday's procedure went great, Chris and I were even able to have a nice breakfast together in Cincinnati. We were there for about 2 hours. The procedure was only slightly uncomfortable but two hours after leaving, I was hit with the worst cramps that lasted through the day. I feel good now and right now we just wait.
A friend told me recently that my faith was contagious. That is probably the nicest compliment I've ever gotten. I feel I have manged to have a lot of faith and hope through this experience, however, if I'm being completely honest, right now is not one of those times. I trust God, I really do, but since having the IUI on Monday, I am stuck somewhere in between believing this is really going to happen AND it's going to happen after just this one try and between protecting myself and not getting my hopes up at all because the thought of seeing one more "not pregnant" sign on a stick makes me want to crawl out of my skin!!!
I feel like I should be happy and anticipating something great since Monday but I have felt worse since Monday...weird, huh? I'm ok with being sad and I know this is only a season in my life, this too shall pass, right?!?! However, what I can do is ask for mega prayers, I am hoping that each one of you will read this and will pass it on to one or more other person to simply pray that God will plant a miracle inside of me after this first try of IUI and we will finally see or hear the words "you are pregnant". I hope that is not asking to much, I believe so much in the power of prayer so I am begging that I can get as many of you and your friends and family to pray. Also, if you have a scripture verse that has really helped you in troubling times or you think would help me please write it down in the comment section on this blog or on my facebook. Your support means so much to Chris and I and the littlest words have helped.
I am so grateful to all the people who have stood by Chris and I and supported us through love and kindness. Please know we have not forgotten about all the blessings God has given us. I have several copies of "How To Love Someone Who Is Infertile", if you would like to purchase one for $10, please let me know and I will get it right to you. Shari DeGraff Stewart has kindly donated these books to me to sell so my friends and family can learn. This book is a masterpiece...I have one friend that I know has read it and it has made all the difference in the world in her ability to understand me.
Thanks and Blessings to you all!
A friend told me recently that my faith was contagious. That is probably the nicest compliment I've ever gotten. I feel I have manged to have a lot of faith and hope through this experience, however, if I'm being completely honest, right now is not one of those times. I trust God, I really do, but since having the IUI on Monday, I am stuck somewhere in between believing this is really going to happen AND it's going to happen after just this one try and between protecting myself and not getting my hopes up at all because the thought of seeing one more "not pregnant" sign on a stick makes me want to crawl out of my skin!!!
I feel like I should be happy and anticipating something great since Monday but I have felt worse since Monday...weird, huh? I'm ok with being sad and I know this is only a season in my life, this too shall pass, right?!?! However, what I can do is ask for mega prayers, I am hoping that each one of you will read this and will pass it on to one or more other person to simply pray that God will plant a miracle inside of me after this first try of IUI and we will finally see or hear the words "you are pregnant". I hope that is not asking to much, I believe so much in the power of prayer so I am begging that I can get as many of you and your friends and family to pray. Also, if you have a scripture verse that has really helped you in troubling times or you think would help me please write it down in the comment section on this blog or on my facebook. Your support means so much to Chris and I and the littlest words have helped.
I am so grateful to all the people who have stood by Chris and I and supported us through love and kindness. Please know we have not forgotten about all the blessings God has given us. I have several copies of "How To Love Someone Who Is Infertile", if you would like to purchase one for $10, please let me know and I will get it right to you. Shari DeGraff Stewart has kindly donated these books to me to sell so my friends and family can learn. This book is a masterpiece...I have one friend that I know has read it and it has made all the difference in the world in her ability to understand me.
Thanks and Blessings to you all!
Friday, March 16, 2012
All Faith or Nothing at All
Well, we went back to Cincinnati again yesterday (Thursday) to have yet another ultrasound to see how many follicles I had and how big they were (fancy language for when to take the shot and come in for the IUI). Everything is looking good. I will take my shot tomorrow and Chris and I will drive to Cincinnati early Monday morning for the procedure. The IUI does not take long once it is injected but the process will take a couple hours. We are hopeful in God's ability to create a life using the meds and doctors but we understand the percentage is low for us to conceive with an IUI the first try, however, we serve a mighty God so if He wants it to happen on the first try then it will (can I get an amen, lol)!
So many people have asked me lately how I feel, if I'm excited, anxious, weary, skeptical, emotional, optimistic, pessimistic etc... Well, what best describes me right now (and I think Chris too) is waiting. That is the best word I can come up with to describe my feelings at this time, waiting on the Lord.
"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14
"The vision is set for the appointed time...Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay" Habakkuk 2:3
"The process of waiting for a message from God can be as important as the message itself. In waiting, my faith and intimacy with the Lord grow. Often something I learn while waiting prepares me for the message so that I am not as surprised by it as I might have been otherwise; thus, I am more willing to obey" -Priscilla Shirer from Discerning the Voice of God
These are verses and quotes that I believe in so I'm trying (not that I'm perfect at it) to figure out what I am supposed to get out of this struggle and especially what I am supposed to learn in the waiting period. I ask that you all please pray for me to have ears to hear and eyes to see whatever God wants me to learn from all this.
On another note, if any of you are on pinterest, please follow my infertility board. There is great inspiration, knowledge, faith and power offered on there. I have included a link to an AMAZING song and video: http://youtu.be/JqfGqOx2iDQ This is the only song I've heard that is specifically talking about infertility and as many of you know music really speaks to me. I really hope you will take a few minutes to listen and watch the video, hopefully it will speak to you in some way too.
Blessings!
So many people have asked me lately how I feel, if I'm excited, anxious, weary, skeptical, emotional, optimistic, pessimistic etc... Well, what best describes me right now (and I think Chris too) is waiting. That is the best word I can come up with to describe my feelings at this time, waiting on the Lord.
"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord" Psalm 27:14
"The vision is set for the appointed time...Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay" Habakkuk 2:3
"The process of waiting for a message from God can be as important as the message itself. In waiting, my faith and intimacy with the Lord grow. Often something I learn while waiting prepares me for the message so that I am not as surprised by it as I might have been otherwise; thus, I am more willing to obey" -Priscilla Shirer from Discerning the Voice of God
These are verses and quotes that I believe in so I'm trying (not that I'm perfect at it) to figure out what I am supposed to get out of this struggle and especially what I am supposed to learn in the waiting period. I ask that you all please pray for me to have ears to hear and eyes to see whatever God wants me to learn from all this.
On another note, if any of you are on pinterest, please follow my infertility board. There is great inspiration, knowledge, faith and power offered on there. I have included a link to an AMAZING song and video: http://youtu.be/JqfGqOx2iDQ This is the only song I've heard that is specifically talking about infertility and as many of you know music really speaks to me. I really hope you will take a few minutes to listen and watch the video, hopefully it will speak to you in some way too.
Blessings!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
All Good News So Far!
Well, I went to Cincinnati today (my mother-in-law accompanied me) and my Ovaries are finally back to a normal size and looking good so that means I can proceed with the IUI this month. Our next appointment is next Thurs where they will check me again and tell me the exact day to give myself a shot and when to come back in for the procedure, which will probably be that Monday 3/19. I have been told it is rare implantation occurs on the first try but the good thing is, I serve a mighty God and I believe if it is his will he can make it happen! So for now that is our prayer. Thank you is not a big enough word to explain our appreciation for all your prayers!
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5
"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the maker of all things." Ecclesiastes 11:5
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Baby or Bust!
I just wanted to let everybody know our next step. This week, I will call my doctor, Dr. Scheiber in Cincinnati, on the first day of my cycle. He will have me come in that same day or the next day and he will perform an ultrasound of my ovaries to see if they have shrunk to normal size. If they have returned to normal size then I will begin more medication on day 3 and he will also tell me when to take a shot to promote ovulation. Then he will call us and tell us exactly when to come in for him to perform a super stim IUI. To learn more about an IUI you can go to: http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html this site answers a lot of questions about IUI's but does not go into much detail about a super stim IUI, which varies a little (mainly with cost).
We hope that you will be praying for us this week and would like to say thank you in advance for all your prayers and kind words. We can definitely feel your prayers and thoughts upon us. So many of you have reached out and really taken the time to educate yourself and support us. Thank you will never be enough!
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Blessing!
We hope that you will be praying for us this week and would like to say thank you in advance for all your prayers and kind words. We can definitely feel your prayers and thoughts upon us. So many of you have reached out and really taken the time to educate yourself and support us. Thank you will never be enough!
"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Blessing!
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