Remembering and Moving Forward

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

I have not written on this blog in a while. I think about it so often. I could give many reasons why I haven't written...busy, not sure what to even write, too much to write so I just don't write anything. All of these would be true. One reason would be complete avoidance. This blog is an outlet for me as well as a way to keep all of you informed but it is also a reminder to me of the dreaded "I" word...infertility.

As you all should know Chris and I have been taking a break from infertility treatments and though I never thought I would make it this long with out wanting to try again it actually has been the opposite! The break has been so nice!! After almost 3 years of trying, 2 years of REALLY trying and almost a year and a half of trying with infertility medication and/or doctors involved, a break was the perfect decision.

I did not realize how many day to day things change after being on this path for so long. Our schedules (being home in time to take a shot or taking a shot with us and putting it in somebodies fridge or just not going places because of having to take a shot) were different. I basically operated like I was pregnant 3 weeks out of the month (how I ate, drank, exercised, everything) every month just to find out I wasn't pregnant. Crazy hormones (enough said). My work schedule shifting on a dime because the doctor may call and want me to come in THAT day and its 2 hours one way so that requires canceling appointments at the last minute (I have been very fortunate to have some very understanding clients, most of the time ;). Managing your "love life" on a calendar and pretty much knowing exactly what your body is doing at any given moment. This is the first month that I had to actually look at the calendar to see what "day" I was on because I didn't have to know...it felt amazing!!

I do not say any of this to complain, just to point out that I did not realize what all we were taking a break from until about a month into the break. I would and will do all of this again for the dream of our baby. During this break it allowed Chris and I to connect more (as well as make sure neither of us went crazy, lol) and it allowed me to just focus on me and getting healthy physically. I have lost almost 25lbs since mid October!! Whoo-Hoo! I was also getting sick a lot with just about every virus out there, I have not been sick really since Bronchitis in September either. So, in regards to health Chris and I both are doing well. My Lupus is being managed and I am only on 3 medications (all of which I can stay on WHEN I get pregnant)!

"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Many of you that are close to Chris and I know that this summer was not pretty. We have had a hard time grieving our miscarried baby, Hope (as we named her, read previous blogs). The summer is a blur to be honest. Chris will tell you that I had already formed such a bond with that baby before she was ever formed in my belly. I started journaling to our "one-day" baby in September 2011. So after trying to get pregnant and going to the doctors when we found out we were actually pregnant that bond with my child was instant because I had already began creating it. I believe this made the grieving that much harder for me, and Chris as well, when we lost her.

"After a miscarriage, you grieve for a person you never knew, and for a relationship that ended before it really began. You grieve not for a person who has lived and died but for an unlived life. You grieve for the loss of your future as the parent of the baby who has died. You are sad not just because of what you have lost but because of what will never be." -Unknown

Today was Hope's due date...I realize she may not have been born today but today was the day she was given as her possible entry into the world. I try to imagine what that would have been like. I certainly would not be sitting at work writing this with kleenex in hand tears softly but silently streaming down my face. The room would not be quiet. I would not be alone. It would have been joyous and I have no doubt my precious, loving husband would be beside me. There still would be tears, just tears of a different kind. I know family and friends would support us and be anxiously awaiting their turn to see her or hold her and Hope would be the most beautiful baby in the world to me. Instead what I try to focus on now is that she is in Heaven and Jesus is holding her and she is listening to lullabies sung by angels, can you imagine?!? How amazing that must be...

"This isn't something you get over. It's just something you get through, and then you carry it around with you for the rest of your life. It's part of your story now. Part of your history. It'll always, always hurt. Just not quite as bad someday." from Lucious Lemon by Heather Swain

Chris and I will hopefully begin trying again with in the next few months or so, we are of course, scared at times thinking about entering back into what we call "that world" again. However, we are just being diligent at listening to God at this time and what his plan is for us and trying to focus on his timing. We know that God ultimately is in complete control and though we may never understand his will at times we continue to try and trust it at all times. Thank you so much for taking time to read this and for all of you that have patiently stood by us and held our hands and loved us even when it was hard. You are a blessing!

"God doesn't always change the circumstances, He did not change them for Jesus on that hillside outside Jerusalem. But the cross is also proof that God always has a purpose in the circumstances and that His purpose and His plan will prevail and will triumph through any circumstances in this world." Louie Giglio