Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Goodbye Baby Hope

Many of you may not be aware that on May 3, 2012 Chris and I realized we were finally pregnant!  Our second super-stem IUI had worked! I was supposed to take a test May 1, 2012 but it said "not pregnant" so before calling the doctor to ask if he wanted me to start progesterone to get me to start (since I still had not started my period and had no signs) I knew he would ask me to take another test. So that Thursday afternoon after laying down for a bit because I was was so tired and while Chris was out weed-eating the yard I took a test and it immediately came up "pregnant", a word I had only dreamed of seeing.  I stared at it and then found my shoes and went running to the front yard, with my pregnancy test to show Chris, I was able to say the words I had longed to say, "your going to be a daddy". He was so happy and excited, we hugged and cried in the front yard (no telling what the neighbors thought).

The next Friday Chris graduated with his doctorate in interdisciplinary studies with a focus in criminal justice. I could not have been prouder of my husband and all God's timing seemed to be perfect. We then began to tell our friends and family.  Excitement does not capture the word everybody felt. For a little over a week I was the happiest I have ever been in my life. I remember thinking all felt right and good and at peace and the only one I had to thank was God and I was very grateful.

On Mother's day I started cramping and slightly bleeding, the doctors felt it was just my uterus growing as I was not bleeding a lot.  However the cramping was very severe.  Through the whole next week I cramped (sometimes so severe I could only lay in a fetal position) and I bled some (never enough though to make them fear I was having a miscarriage).  I had just come to the conclusion that unfortunately I was going to be one of those people that just cramped and bled some through my first trimester. I had been able to put the idea of a miscarriage out of my mind though.  Besides I had no other problems, no morning sickness or any other unfortunate symptoms.

Friday, May 18, 2012 was our first OB appointment in Cincinnati where we would have an ultrasound and hear a heart beat (maybe even more than one).  I started cramping kind of heavily again on our way to Cincinnati, but the excitement of hearing our baby's heart beat erased the concern from the cramps.  After going into the room and getting ready for the ultrasound the doctor came in an began looking around, what was probably only minutes felt like an hour of him looking and saying "just a minute".  Finally he told me to sit up, I had not heard the heart beat yet and he had not pointed anything out to me so I immediately began to cry.  We had miscarried.  2 years of trying to conceive, many shots, pills, drives to Cincinnati, blood, ultrasounds, etc... and we miscarried. 

All I remember from there was crying with Chris, who held me and just cried with me.  The doctor gave some medical talk about how it wasn't my fault and at least we were able to get pregnant but all I could think was that my baby was gone. The pain continued from the extreme cramps on our 2 hour journey home from Cincinnati.  I have never been in such physical and emotional plain at the same time.  The cramps only got worse until I finally "passed" our baby later that night.

At this time I know all the answers people say, it wasn't time, something must have been wrong with the baby, God needed her, etc...  I felt strongly that it was a girl and I do not know why, but Chris and I agreed on that.  We named her Hope.  She was a real person, a real baby and we grieve her desperately as we try to go through the day to day tasks that still require our attention. 

I feel numb and disappointed and in disbelief and whatever the word is for a sadness that consumes your whole body and makes you ache inside.  Right now, the only verse I can hear is " Be still and know that I am God". Being still is all I am capable of right now.

Chris and I will try again as soon as we are able.  We just wanted to update people and let them know we continue to appreciate your prayers, your thoughts, your kind words and time.  At this time we just need our time to grieve the loss of our precious baby. I would have been 7 weeks today. Please continue to pray for us.

We love you Hope, you will always be our first child and you will never be forgotten.

Take time to listen to this song if you can: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e01hk1BRYqM